The next important step in the journey to Oliver is the NTT - the Notice to Travel. This is basically the China Centre of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) saying..."Come on Over guys!!".
We can't go to China until this piece of paper arrives....usually parents will meet their kiddies about 2-ish weeks after the NTT arrives....and ours isn't here yet :-(
Realistically we were expecting that we wouldn't receive this document until the end of next week at the earliest, but other couples in the ACT who received news of their children just a few days before we did got their NTTs last Monday - they had a 1 week turnaround from when China received their acceptance paperwork - fast, really fast.
I was hoping that the same would happen for us, but it hasn't. Our acceptance paperwork was sent back a little too slowly for my liking (it can't go until everyone in our "batch" - all 6 couples, submit theirs). Ours was back at the adoption department in record time (of course - would you expect anything less?), but it took another 2 days before everyone else's was submitted.....frustrating, but there's not a lot we could do to hurry everyone else up (trust me, P and I tried every strategy we could think of!).
Anyway, we now wait for this piece of paper and then from there we can decide what date we would like to meet the children on. Again, this is done as a group....should be interesting....P and I are hoping that the NTT will arrive next Monday, if that's the case we will ask to meet Oliver on the 13th of April. Sounds like there are others in our batch who would prefer to wait until the 20th April to meet the kiddies because of other commitments.....WTF?
I guess we will sit tight and then cross that negotiation bridge if and when we get to it.
Everyone repeat after me - C'mon NTT!!!!!! C'mon NTT!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Difficult Things...
Are the important things.
It's funny how oftentimes the hardest things to think about are the most important...well, this is one of those things.
Attachment. The first human relationship we have, the relationship that sets the template upon which all subsequent relationships in our lives are superimposed. Children raised in healthy birthfamilies will usually form their primary attachment to their mother. Ideally, mum will be consistent, warm, sensitive and responsive to her baby's needs, and the baby will learn that the world is a safe place, their needs will be met, and they will generally feel good about life. This positive first relationship with their mother will then be the template for the baby's future relationships - with their father, friends and relatives, romantic partners, and even work colleagues.
If a baby learns that it is OK to trust, OK to love and that they are safe, they take this feeling with them (and yes, for my fellow psychologist friends reading this, I know that's a very simplified explanation....but it kind of covers it don't you think?).
But what if you spend the first months/ years of your life in an orphanage where you don't have a consistent caregiver, your cries are not responded to and your needs are not met? What if you do attach somewhat to a particular caregiver in the orphanage (whose care is "OK" - not a substitute for a mother, but someone who occasionally smiles at you, and changes and feeds you) and then one day you are taken away from them without explanation?
This is one reason that adoptive parenting is different to biological parenting. Adopted children will often have some difficulties with their primary attachment, because they have not been given the chance to learn how to trust in relationships. They will often be the "good" children who aim to please everyone (as they don't trust that people will love them if they are anything but "perfect"), will be very friendly to everyone (even strangers) and will not effectively discriminate between those they can trust (primarily their parents) and others (like the lady in the checkout).
Giving Oliver the best chance to form a strong, positive (secure) attachment to us is the reason that P and I will be "dropping out" of social situations for a while when we are back from China. We will also be making sure that only we do all of the caregiving for him for quite some time (I know many of you will be disappointed that you'll miss out on those initial nappy changes!).
By having exclusive and consistent caregivers (P and I) who feed, bathe, comfort, entertain, change, soothe and physically connect with Oliver, we hope to give him the opportunity to learn that we are his parents, we are the ones he can turn to for anything he needs and he will get it, and that his world is now a safe, predictable place. We firmly believe (and the psychological literature completely supports) that if Oliver can securely attach to me, then P, that his emotional and psychological wellbeing will be positively impacted by this.
We know that everyone is as excited about Oliver coming home as we are - we have been truly touched by everyone's kindness, generosity and excitement over the last few weeks (as well as your support and love over the last 7+ years!)...We know that Ollie is so scrumptious that you are all going to want to smother him with cuddles...but we ask that initailly, until we feel that he has had a chance to really learn that we are his parents, that you understand why we are going to do all of the caregiving ourselves -although I'll be keeping a list of everyone who wants to do nappy changes down the track OK? ;-)
This analogy (below) about attachment is very moving and thought provoking, and I think gives a good idea of what Oliver may have already experienced as he was separated from his birthmother and taken to the orphanage, and what he may be about to experience as we become his parents and bring hime home.
It is difficult to read, absolutely heartbreaking in fact, to begin to imagine how terrified and confused my darling little boy will be by all the enormous changes in his life...but important to think about.
Love to you all,
T xxxx
A Different Perspective
Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?
Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back. . .even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?
Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?
You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
How would each of us handle all these changes?How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?
©2006 Cynthia Hockman-Chupp.
It's funny how oftentimes the hardest things to think about are the most important...well, this is one of those things.
Attachment. The first human relationship we have, the relationship that sets the template upon which all subsequent relationships in our lives are superimposed. Children raised in healthy birthfamilies will usually form their primary attachment to their mother. Ideally, mum will be consistent, warm, sensitive and responsive to her baby's needs, and the baby will learn that the world is a safe place, their needs will be met, and they will generally feel good about life. This positive first relationship with their mother will then be the template for the baby's future relationships - with their father, friends and relatives, romantic partners, and even work colleagues.
If a baby learns that it is OK to trust, OK to love and that they are safe, they take this feeling with them (and yes, for my fellow psychologist friends reading this, I know that's a very simplified explanation....but it kind of covers it don't you think?).
But what if you spend the first months/ years of your life in an orphanage where you don't have a consistent caregiver, your cries are not responded to and your needs are not met? What if you do attach somewhat to a particular caregiver in the orphanage (whose care is "OK" - not a substitute for a mother, but someone who occasionally smiles at you, and changes and feeds you) and then one day you are taken away from them without explanation?
This is one reason that adoptive parenting is different to biological parenting. Adopted children will often have some difficulties with their primary attachment, because they have not been given the chance to learn how to trust in relationships. They will often be the "good" children who aim to please everyone (as they don't trust that people will love them if they are anything but "perfect"), will be very friendly to everyone (even strangers) and will not effectively discriminate between those they can trust (primarily their parents) and others (like the lady in the checkout).
Giving Oliver the best chance to form a strong, positive (secure) attachment to us is the reason that P and I will be "dropping out" of social situations for a while when we are back from China. We will also be making sure that only we do all of the caregiving for him for quite some time (I know many of you will be disappointed that you'll miss out on those initial nappy changes!).
By having exclusive and consistent caregivers (P and I) who feed, bathe, comfort, entertain, change, soothe and physically connect with Oliver, we hope to give him the opportunity to learn that we are his parents, we are the ones he can turn to for anything he needs and he will get it, and that his world is now a safe, predictable place. We firmly believe (and the psychological literature completely supports) that if Oliver can securely attach to me, then P, that his emotional and psychological wellbeing will be positively impacted by this.
We know that everyone is as excited about Oliver coming home as we are - we have been truly touched by everyone's kindness, generosity and excitement over the last few weeks (as well as your support and love over the last 7+ years!)...We know that Ollie is so scrumptious that you are all going to want to smother him with cuddles...but we ask that initailly, until we feel that he has had a chance to really learn that we are his parents, that you understand why we are going to do all of the caregiving ourselves -although I'll be keeping a list of everyone who wants to do nappy changes down the track OK? ;-)
This analogy (below) about attachment is very moving and thought provoking, and I think gives a good idea of what Oliver may have already experienced as he was separated from his birthmother and taken to the orphanage, and what he may be about to experience as we become his parents and bring hime home.
It is difficult to read, absolutely heartbreaking in fact, to begin to imagine how terrified and confused my darling little boy will be by all the enormous changes in his life...but important to think about.
Love to you all,
T xxxx
A Different Perspective
Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?
Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back. . .even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?
Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?
You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
How would each of us handle all these changes?How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?
©2006 Cynthia Hockman-Chupp.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Kindness of Strangers
You know how some weeks you plod along in life and, through a series of unrelated (and usually pretty minor) incidents, you get the impression that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and people just suck....well, last week was one of those weeks. Until....
Until P and I went shopping on Saturday. We'd stopped for a mid-morning caffeine boost and noticed 2 caucasian ladies and a Vietnamese girl aged about 7 sitting nearby. Having our "adoption radar" on high alert, we wondered who the family were, and whether the little girl was indeed adopted.
After coffee, we went into a gorgeous little toy shop next door to "browse"..the family we had noticed was in there too. I couldn't help myself, so quietly excused myself and asked one of the ladies if her beautiful child was adopted (when the child was well out of earshot of course!!). She replied that no, she wasn't adopted, she was her foster daughter. I explained that we were about to go to China to adopt Oliver, and apologised for intruding on her privacy.
She got a little teary, and told me that she had always wanted to adopt a child from China, but had been unable to. I felt a connection with this lovely lady that I had never met before. She had a mother's heart.
I was waiting at the counter to pay for something I had "browsed" at...when the lady came up and bought a beautiful blue picture frame...and then gave it to me as a gift, along with a big hug and a huge smile.
This lovely lady had bought us a gift for our son - we had met her 2 minutes before!
We were both so overwhelmed by her generosity and kindness... For once I didn't know what to say. This little boy of ours is already creating magic.
People are so surprising...sometimes in a really good way.
Until P and I went shopping on Saturday. We'd stopped for a mid-morning caffeine boost and noticed 2 caucasian ladies and a Vietnamese girl aged about 7 sitting nearby. Having our "adoption radar" on high alert, we wondered who the family were, and whether the little girl was indeed adopted.
After coffee, we went into a gorgeous little toy shop next door to "browse"..the family we had noticed was in there too. I couldn't help myself, so quietly excused myself and asked one of the ladies if her beautiful child was adopted (when the child was well out of earshot of course!!). She replied that no, she wasn't adopted, she was her foster daughter. I explained that we were about to go to China to adopt Oliver, and apologised for intruding on her privacy.
She got a little teary, and told me that she had always wanted to adopt a child from China, but had been unable to. I felt a connection with this lovely lady that I had never met before. She had a mother's heart.
I was waiting at the counter to pay for something I had "browsed" at...when the lady came up and bought a beautiful blue picture frame...and then gave it to me as a gift, along with a big hug and a huge smile.
This lovely lady had bought us a gift for our son - we had met her 2 minutes before!
We were both so overwhelmed by her generosity and kindness... For once I didn't know what to say. This little boy of ours is already creating magic.
People are so surprising...sometimes in a really good way.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Nanna Goes Shopping...
Mum and I met up for some shopping and lunch today - that's twice in 2 weeks which is absolutely unheard of - long may it continue!!
We stopped in at Myers....and mum went a bit mad with the shopping...
Just quietly, I think she's a little bit excited about our little boy!
Here are the gorgeous things she bought her grandson....notice the groovy sunglasses, and the gorgeous rashie and stripey swim pants :-)
I can't wait to see little Ollie-Moo in these gorgeous duds!!
Thanks Mum xxxx
We stopped in at Myers....and mum went a bit mad with the shopping...
Just quietly, I think she's a little bit excited about our little boy!
Here are the gorgeous things she bought her grandson....notice the groovy sunglasses, and the gorgeous rashie and stripey swim pants :-)
I can't wait to see little Ollie-Moo in these gorgeous duds!!
Thanks Mum xxxx
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
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